Resentment overload

One of the reasons that things have been so stressful and tense around my house is that J and I aren't doing so well lately.  I don't normally write about my marriage, but it's been getting more difficult since we have two kids, so it feels appropriate to write about it right now.  Also, I almost hijacked DD's comment box and thought I would just write here instead.

There's a lot of resentment between us lately, and much of it is NOT new.  Very little of it, in fact.  It's mostly not adoption-related, but having another child has brought it back to light.  Most of it stems from the fact that, at least in my opinion, J doesn't seem to realize how much I do for our family.  I know that he has an opinion and that it varies from mine, but he can get his own blog if he wants to say anything about it!  This one is mine and therefore, my opinion gets posted.

We have an extremely unequal distribution of household responsibilities.  We both work full-time, at least during the academic year.  During that time, he is responsible for doing the dishes/loading and emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, taking out the trash and recycling, mowing the lawn, helping with laundry, paying the bills, and (of course) taking care of the kids.  I am responsible for grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning the house and bathrooms, doing most of the laundry, clothes/other things shopping for everyone except him, keeping things straight for school, meals other than dinner for both of the kids, and (of course) taking care of the kids.  On the surface, it doesn't look too bad, though his chores are much more once-a-week while mine are mostly daily.  If it really worked out that way, it wouldn't be that bad.  I am definitely responsible for a whole lot more than he is on a day-to-day basis, but I could handle that.

Instead, in the last week, I have run and emptied the dishwasher 4 times.  J has done it once, and washed five wooden spoons and some steak knives.  I have washed 7 loads of laundry and folded 5 of them.  J folded the other two.  I have paid the bills for the last 3 months.  I have taken out the trash and recycling 4 out of the last 5 times.  I have also been the only one home with the kids between work and their bedtime 8 times out of the last 11 weeknights.  (One of the 3 that he was home includes last night when he got home after bathtime.  K was already in jammies and P was putting his on.  J managed to read them stories and sit in their room until K fell asleep.)  I have also dealt with Passover, doctors' appointments, making appointments for K to get physical therapy, P's teacher appreciation week projects, playdates, the need for an exterminator to get rid of carpenter bees, and major cleaning in the house because I just couldn't stand living in such disarray anymore.

Did I mention that finals start this week?  In the last two weeks, I've given 5 tests (3 of them final exams) and received 60+ papers that all have to be graded.  I've got additional review sessions to hold.  I've got two final exams to write, and grades for my 100+ students to calculated.

J is working hard, I do know that.  His attorney associate quit with no notice about a week after we got back from Ethiopia, and he's struggling to keep up with the law firm.  He can't afford to hire a new attorney right now because he hired a new paralegal right before the associate quit, and it takes a while before a new employee starts making enough money to pay for him/herself.  So he's doing the work of 2 attorneys, including a lot more driving for court appearances that his associate used to do.  He's double-booked in court on several dates for that reason. 

I know he's stressed and busy, but I am exhausted and feeling like the single parent of two active little boys.  I do everything lately.  Last week, J took a look around the house and said "We'll have to do some cleaning this weekend."  Sure, let's do that.  He's good with cleaning when he actually does it.  Instead, he played video games half the weekend.  He did no cleaning--except the one dishwasher run (that I emptied) and the few dishes.  He also didn't spend much time with the boys.  On Sunday, I asked him to throw in some laundry while I held a review session.  He was then going to bring the boys over to me and he would go into work while I took them to dinner with friends of ours and then back home.  Did he throw in any laundry?  No.  Did he even keep an eye on the kids?  Oh, apparently.  He knew that K had gotten into the game cabinet and pulled out every game containing cards, and thrown them all around the family room.  He just didn't bother to do anything about it.  I came home to a house in even bigger disarray than the one that I'd left, which was nearly impossible--or so I'd thought.

I have spent hours in the last couple of days just straightening up our house, and I haven't even gotten into major cleaning yet.  Have I gotten all 5 sets of tests graded?  Nope.  What about grading those papers?  Uh uh.  Surely, I've at least got my finals written?  Hardly.

There was a time while I was cleaning up the cards that I thought "You know, if I were single, I'd still have to do all of this--but at least I wouldn't be feeling such anger and resentment while I did it."  I hate that a thought like that could even enter my mind.  I hate that it's not the first time I've thought something like that.  And I hate that when I tell it to J, he rolls his eyes and says that I'm being melodramatic.

About two weeks ago, I told him that I felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I now have almost 100% of the household responsibilities and the vast majority of the childcare responsibilities.  I said I'd expected that we'd have a lot more equal time with the kids when K came home, because I figured that we'd have two parents and two kids; instead, it's usually me with the kids while he plays on the weekends.  I told him that I really resent the time when he says that he needs time for himself and therefore he doesn't take care of his own responsibilities.  I told him that I find it very, very selfish that he considers his own needs without thinking that his need for time puts more pressure on me.  It's not like we can get along without clean dishes if he doesn't feel like doing them, or without the bills being paid if he doesn't feel like going through the pile of them.  It means that I have to do them instead of him. 

He said he hadn't looked at it that way, that he was sorry and would try harder.  Nothing's changed since then.  But I hadn't believed it anyway because I've heard it all before.  We've had this same "discussion" many, many times in the past. 

When we were first married, J was in law school while I had an 8-5 job that required nothing of me after I left each day.  Naturally, I took on all of the household responsibilities except the dishes.  Then again, there were only 2 of us (and our dogs) and we lived in a little 2 bedroom apartment with one bathroom and one combined living/dining room.  It wasn't exactly difficult to clean it while watching Sunday football.  The next year, I started graduate school.  Aside from school work, J was working at a law firm part-time and I was doing research.  But I was still doing nearly all of the housework--the only thing that changed from the previous year was that we'd moved into a little house and J had lawn-mowing and trash/recycling responsibilities.  Very little changed after P was born, and very little has changed after K was adopted.  We've had this discussion MANY times in the past.  Nothing has changed and nothing will change.

I really resent his need for "me" time when I'm not getting any.  I resent the fact that he comes home after the kids are in bed a lot of nights, and then plays video games until he goes to bed; meanwhile, I'm grading or writing lectures as soon as the kids are in bed, or else doing things around the house.  I resent that he doesn't take 30 minutes to clean something in the evenings and THEN play video games for 2 hours.  I resent that he doesn't realize that his need for "me" time cuts into my need for "sleep" and other optional pursuits.

I hate that I resent that he gets to spend time doing something other than business work or household work or taking care of the kids.  And I hate that I resent the time that he spends with the kids is doing "fun" things.  Yesterday, I handled school bags, breakfast, dinner (actually, a friend brought dinner and it was SO welcome!), cleaning up of toys, bathtime, and getting them into jammies.  J got to read stories and cuddle before bed.  

I don't even get drives to and from work to think for myself, since P is in the car and is a bit of a chatterbox.  I can't tell you the last time I had time to not only think but do a project.  I have material for a bathroom curtain and a curtain for the boys' room that I bought 6 months ago and haven't had time to make yet.  There are some video game that I enjoy playing, but I haven't had time to play them.  I do read.  If I didn't read fast, though, it would take me a month to finish a book because I spend so little time doing it.

It's just going to get worse over the summer, and with less realization on J's part.  He seems to think that taking care of the kids all day is no big deal.  He didn't think having one was difficult and hasn't been on his own with both kids for more than 3 hours awake yet, so it's been easy for him.  He thinks that's what would be like if he were to do it all day.  Admittedly, that may be because when he takes care of the kids for a few hours he does nothing else...note the card incident above.  He doesn't have to also manage cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc.  He doesn't...

He just doesn't.  And I do.  And I don't know what to do about it.

Comments

[T with Honey]

I wish I had some kind of awesome word of encouragement or advice but all I'm coming up with is... *hug*

[sky girl]

Well my friend I get it. I sooooo get it. I'm in much the same situation. Will he be reading this? If so, I hope that he finally gets it.

Unfortunately, in my experience, just because they "get it" doesn't mean that they'll do anything about it.

Keep us posted.

[Dana]

There is no doubt about it that the majority of women do WAY more in the relationship. Don't get caught up in 'keeping score'. It can only lead to hurtful things all the way around. I pretty much do everything around here, as well and I hate it. The only person I can change is myself, so I either have to accept the mess or clean it up (along with everything else on the list). Someone once said to me you will never know or appreciate how much your spouse does for you and vice versa. This has been something I have had to overcome in the past few years as well.

[DD]

That would have been one hell of a comment...

Is it a "guy" thing? What the hell? I know what part of Mr. DD's problem is and that's having grown up with a housekeeper and a mom. He can drop a dirty whatever on the floor and assume someone - anyone other than him - will take care of it.

But really? How can someone look at a mess of whatever and not feel either compelled to alleviate it or at least a little guilt about NOT doing something??

Rhetorical questions...

[DD]

I just left a huge comment myself and I think typepad either ate it or is holding it b/c of its size.

I'll check back later...

[Eva]

I would be resentful, too. My most concrete suggestion would be a housecleaning service.

My best friend just had a baby and her husband has been home for the last three weeks, but he stays up all night playing video games and sleeps all day, so she's been frustrated. It's not a good situation. I can imagine how you feel.

I hope you can tell him what you need him to do and why (just like you did for us here) and I can't imagine he wouldn't see what you are saying and at least give it a try to do more. And I hope he gets to experience taking care of the two of them and keeping the house running sometime so he can appreciate your effort!

[sdh]

hide the video games!

[Helen]

>

I am SO there. You're not alone. But I don't want to hijack your comments. Maybe I'll blog about it. Oh wait a minute - I have limited internet access since dh can't get the wireless connection up and running since we moved March 31st. UGH.

[jesspond]

OH MY GOSH YES.

Your husband and mine can go live together. We will keep the chitlins, no? It'll be perfect.

The video games. Oy. Tell me it's not WoW. If it is, see plan above.

I feel you, I really do. But I don't have any genius answers.

[Christy]

I'm completely exhausted just from reading about your life! Is there any extra cash that could be scraped together to pay someone to clean, and maybe drop off the laundry somewhere? Perhaps from the video game fund? That schedule would have put me in an institution long ago.

[My Reality]

I have no answers. I don't know how to get through to my husband, so I am of no help to you.

I hope J starts helping you a bit more, and I hope you will take some 'me' time for yourself.

[Cristy]

I do believe that your husband and mine were separated at birth.

[artsweet]

Can you go away for a weekend and leave him to deal with home and kids - and tell him that the house had better be as clean as you left it if not cleaner?

It would be a crash course in appreciation therapy.

That said - it just sucks to have things fall into your lap by default and not be recognized for them or be able to share the burden :(

[ms. sleepingcat]

I'm really sorry, Erin. I think the solution about the weekly housecleaning service is a great idea, if it is affordable, but it doesn't get to the root of the problem. J. seems to be ignoring your needs as a partner right now, and putting his pleasure (video games) before his duty (making sure things are running smoothly at home).

I don't think gender is any excuse for this kind of behavior. People can and do "unlearn" behaviors. I happen to think that talking with a marriage counselor would help some of the underlying issues (why is he playing video games so often?), while the housekeeping service might help with some of the more immediate stuff. Some mechanism in the partnership isn't functioning properly, and I think that should be addressed for the long-term good of the relationship.

I hope this doesn't seem obnoxious-- it's the kind of advice I'd give my sister or best friend!

[Samantha]

Reading your post is exhausting! I have fears of similar things happening with my own husband, who also seems to be prone to taking "me" time before doing things that really need to be done.

The problem here is that J is taking both his "me" and your "me" time because you're stuck picking up the slack. I think some other commentors have given you some ideas for getting "me" time back like hiring someone to do some of the chores that you're too busy to do. Or perhaps you could schedule yourself a block of time on a weekend when you're outside the house, where you can do work, and relax and leave J to handle the household. The problem is that you may come back to a situation where you then have "pay" for your dedicated work and relax time because J hasn't held up his end of the bargain, although it sill might be helpful for you. Ms. sleepingcat may be on to something for the two of us to discuss this a counselor.

At least the end of the semester is coming hear!

[Rachel Inbar]

Can you get a teenager in to help out for a while in the afternoons? Do some laundry, dishes, entertain the kids, break the video game machine, etc.?

How about seeing a therapist or at least taking an evening a week to spend time together?

[lucky2]

Yikes. That is stressful. I agree that a housekeeper of some sort would help right now. Could he be depressed with the stress of work?

Although, at this rate, you are going to be depressed. Hang in there, friend.

[Jennifer]

Amen and then some. Why is it that when a husband's job, regardless of where it fits into the economies of things, tanks, we always get left to pick up the pieces? Seems to happen to me every time.

I tend to agree that keeping score probably isn't helping. I understand why you do it; scientific (and legal) types like hard, empirical evidence. It's not subject to any subjective wrangling. However, it just seems to be fueling the resentment, and that can't help. Maybe its a matter of leaving all day on a weekend day, going to school and getting your work done, and to hell with the rest.

I wish I had some gem of wisdom to add, but I get stuck in the same predicament on a regular basis. If anything, you've got solidarity here.

[Karen]

Ms. Sleepingcat has the right idea. Here's the thing... J works for himself. Which means he generates his own income. Which means that in order to pay for a housecleaning service, he has to generate more clients. Therefore, since he's slacking on his side of the housekeeping, he will pay the consequence by having to work more hours. Go hire a housecleaning service to come once a week and put the bill on his desk every week. That won't save you from the chores that the housecleaning service can't do (taking care of the kids, paying the bills, etc), but it will take some of the pressure off.

Don't keep score, but do make sure that he is mindful that you're doing more than your fair share and therefore getting a cleaning service is more than an equitable compromise. And if it means he has to work half a day on Saturdays (while you're at Synagogue) to make up for it occasionally, tough noogies. It means a few hours less video games for him. Boo hoo for him.

So hugs to you. I know this is hard. I think J is essentially a good guy, but a guy nonetheless. Meanwhile, I'm going to go home and kiss my husband who does more than his share of the dishes, laundry, bills, and yardwork. Because, clearly, he's not a guy.

[Dianne]

Erin....so there with you. There are many days that I have the same gross thought.

It is difficult not to feel taken for granted.

Is there something that would make you feel better? When I get like that I want a date. Could you ask for an hour or two of you time.

If he requires it, wouldn't it make sense that you need it to?

Wishing you well.

[Jenn]

Erin-

Ugh... I have no kids, so I don't have the childcare and extra laundry and so on... but I know how you feel.
I agree with the counselor idea... It might help to have an impartial ear to talk to and it may help J. understand better.
I have tried this with B. and it worked... :) We sat down and did a chore list. He does the dishes, and if he ignores them we end up eating on paper plates, which go in the trash, which is also a chore of his. He will notice that pretty quick if you ignore it a time or three. Now that he agreed in writing to it he ignores them a lot less.
You have to remember too... Us women tend to obsess about stuff. I think you might (with the household duties) be getting frustrated and get to them before he gets around to it. Leave it for him... and see if it helps.
I hope things get better... try to see if you can find a teenager or maybe a college student to come in and help for a few bucks a week.
Also- tell J. he needs to take you on a date. I think you might need a chance to reconnect a bit... and some mommy and daddy time away from the kiddos. I make B. do that when I start to feel like a video game widow. Stupid Xbox. LOL

[Ms. C]

I wish I had some great advice to give you about this issue, but sadly I don't. What I can do is empathize because I am pretty much living this (minus the second child, which I can only imagine makes the issue that much harder!)
My husband actually said to me last night: "I wonk twice as hard as you do." WOW. I swear if he ever says that again I am up and leaving. (He may work harder at some points, but currently I am definately working longer hours- like 24 a day with no break!)
I think this is an age-old issue with no end in sight. I wish it weren't so for you, or for any of us.
Hoping that you can get through to that man-brain, and sending you love...

[Ms. C]

OMG- I meant "work" not wonk. WOW that makes my comment sound disgusting. Sorry.

[Erin O']

A lot of commenters have given great advice -- especially a house cleaning service. It doesn't solve the underlying issues, but it will make you feel better to see a clean house once in a while.

We went through similar things when our boys first came home, except I didn't have a full time job -- you must be wiped out!

I think the worst thing for me was that my dh didn't validate how I was feeling. He argued with me, told me to relax about the messy house, blah, blah, blah. I felt very alone, the way you sound.

I also think the video game playing is an escape of some sort. My dh SLEPT a lot, which I felt was an escape. If you can get an impartial ear, and ask J to come, too, it might help. Seeing a therapist helped me a bunch, just to have someone listen and validate.

Sheesh! good luck.

[fully operational battle station]

I admire your honesty. And I would hope no one would judge you because every marriage is different and kids, well kids add major stress, let alone adopting kids. It's a lot.

You know yourself and your relationship with him better than anyone and soon enough you'll know how to work through this, whatever that decision may be.

Good luck. It's brutal. I think we can relate at times. Life goes in waves.

Jamie