Oh no, I'm perpetuating stereotypes!

I just got an e-mail from a friend of mine.  We were in graduate school together when I was in South Carolina; we moved to Atlanta and they moved to Ohio, but we've stayed in touch and gotten together a couple of times over the years since then.  The pertinent parts are below:

"There's something I want to share with you that I haven't told anyone else.  I don't know if you remember this or not, but when you were staying with us in Columbia for [a friend's baby shower], you said something to me that I'll never forget, and that I used as fantastic advice for myself.  You said that you and J had been trying to have a baby and had been having trouble, and then you went on that cruise and said you weren't going to think about it at all, you were just going to go and relax and not worry about a thing, and apparently that did the trick!   

C and I had been trying for a while, and I'd been tracking my cycles with my morning temperature as a means of birth control for quite some time (ie, years), so that when and if we were ready to have kids, we'd be 100% ready.  I knew things were 'working right' for me and everything based on that, and I know how biology works, so I thought I was golden.  Well, guess what?  sigh.  It took a lot longer than I thought.  I bought ovulation test kits and everything to make sure my temperature thing was working right, and to make sure my body was doing what I thought it was (yes, all were). 

Work and life were so stressful though, and not conceiving after I'd struggled with that decision for so many years and finally, really, made that decision and wanted it, was stressing me out even more.  So then, I remembered what you said that time back in Columbia.  And I decided to just chill.

I called January my "relax" month.  And since I'm on the thinner side, I also called January "project weight gain" hahaha in case that was causing any problems.  We didn't do any house projects, work slowed down the first time in about 8 months (and only month since then actually), I learned how to crochet so I could sit on the couch and watch all the DVDs we hadn't seen yet and not feel guilty about just doing nothing :-)

It worked!!  January was the month for me."

Oh no.  I actually told someone that I "just relaxed" and it worked.  Oh no, no, no.

First, let me say that I am absolutely thrilled for this friend.  She is one of the nicest people I've ever met, wonderful with children, and I know that they'll be wonderful parents to their own child.  There was no jealousy when I got her e-mail--only happiness for her mixed with a horror that, at one time, I told someone that relaxing on a cruise was what finally got me pregnant.

I'm sure I must have told her about the almost 18 months of trying, the 3 cycles on Clomid that were useless, the bloodwork and HSG (during and after which I almost passed out), the switch to a second RE and several months' wait for the appointment, the SA for J, the diagnosis of PCOS, and several months on Metformin by then.  Or not.  The time that she's talking about was when P was just over 2 months old.  At the time, I don't think I was so willing to talk about infertility.  Plus, I genuinely believed that we'd solved the "problem" and we wouldn't ever have trouble again in the future.  I was even back on birth control pills by then.  Hahahahaha!  Man, we really could have used the money I wasted on the co-pays back then, too.

Anyway, I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  It's one of those things that I can see myself joking about, but I don't know that I was ever really serious--just that I didn't really know how to talk about it back then.

Admittedly, we haven't been on a cruise since then--and we haven't gotten pregnant since then, either.  Coincidence?  Who knows.

Argh, I am such an idiot.

Comments

[Rachel Inbar]

I guess you'll have to try a cruise again sometime in the future ;-)

Research has shown that for some women, with stress-related fertility issues, that relaxation indeed helps. See this article, for example - http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/09/04/healthscience/snstress.php

It is a shame that their sample was very small (only 8 women in each group).

[infertility just sucks]

That is SO funny! She's also probably told a few people "My friend Erin told me to just relax - and it worked!"

Oh well - at least she's happy. Take comfort in knowing that she'll never have to go through what you did (and what a lot of us reading did) to get pregnant.

[Eva]

When I've told people my story, which, yes, involves stopping trying and, in fact, sending off for adoption information, and then finally ovulating and conceiving, they always conclude that it's the "relaxing" and the "adopting" that did it.

I've actually gotten a little weird with people by insisting that, in fact, it was the medicine (Met) that finally started kicking in, and I'd lost a fair amount of weight, etc., and that infertile people find it really obnoxious if others prescribe relaxation, and that it's kind of insulting to adoption if it's seen as a method of infertility cure...but then they still just remember my story.

So I've changed it to "we tried for 2.5 years and had help from doctors and finally when we least expected it I got pregnant."

Anyway, so I know how you feel.

[electriclady]

Is it wrong that this made me laugh out loud?

[ms. sleepingcat]

I still believe that the ins and outs of who conceiving and having a live birth and when and why are a mystery. Frankly the more "informed" I am by books and doctors, etc., the more mysterious it gets. I'm ready to think it's about relaxation more than it is about than it is about any pills/shots/vitamins/foods.

This is why: I can do all the meds/foods/etc., but the ONLY thing I CANNOT do is freaking relax. I've never relaxed in my life. Vacations are a nightmare, b/c I get stressed out because i know I'm supposed to be relaxing and I can't.

If relaxation is the key, I might as well get my tubes tied. B/c it's not going to happen. Not in this lifetime.

[ms. sleepingcat]

Ack. Sorry for all the typos. And I'm really not as much a mess as I indicate in my typo-ridden post.

:)

[jesspond]

LOL...I always feel that way. You have no idea how many people say to us, "Oh yeah, it always happens like that *insert knowing look at Ava, then at Ethan" you relac and then you're pregnant!!"

Yeah, either that or the IVF....

Now if you get pg it'll be a REAL sterotype perpetuator!! :)

[lucky2]

That is funny, Erin! Perhaps your assvice is what helped her through her struggles?

I still find it hard to share my struggles and I am pregnant with fraternal triplets -- hello? How can I play it off that I didn't need help? Dumb me has tried a few times and feel so awful for it afterwards. I just want to say "It is none of your damn business!"

[artsweet]

Well now that you've
"just adopted" you're sure to get pregnant...

[Dr. Grumbles]

So, a cruise is the trick? Let me write that down ;)