In which I come down from my high

K is (when not at daycare and in the same room as us) a wonderful child most of the time, happy and babbling.  He's a lot of fun--I had all day with him yesterday, and we had a great time.  We feel like he's already started to attach to us.  When we got home from Ethiopia, J and I decided that we didn't feel the need to make people wait a really long time to visit and that his parents, who'd originally planned a visit for the end of this month or beginning of next, could come to visit at the beginning of April.

Somehow, "the beginning of April" has turned into March 21st.  That would be next Friday.  Two weeks to the day after we got home.  And now "J's parents" somehow also includes my brother-in-law.

Since we'd told them they couldn't come when they'd originally intended, they scheduled a trip to visit my BIL over Easter.  When J first spoke to them, they said "Well, we don't know if we can change our trip to those other weeks."  We assumed (ha, big mistake) that this meant they wouldn't be coming down so soon.  That was OK with us.  Then they said that maybe they would come down after Easter.  I pointed out to J that was very soon, and we decided to call them back again.

No, instead they decided that they will fly into Ohio on Wednesday, as intended, and drive down here with my BIL on Friday.  They will stay until Monday (Sunday is Easter, which is not celebrated by the 3 out of 4 Jewish members of my family) and then leave. 

They will get here "late on Friday, probably around 7 or so, and come over to see the kids before bed."  K goes to bed at 7:30, P goes to bed at 8.  We are already getting them ready for bed at 7.  I am seriously ticked that: a) they made these plans without consulting us or even considering our family's needs, and b) we agreed to them.  Reluctantly, furiously, resignedly...but we did agree to them last night.

I am so upset about this whole situation.  I felt like I was being a "good" daughter-in-law by allowing them to come as early as the beginning of April, when we'd previously said probably not before May (and to not make any plans until we'd said so).  They are retired and have plenty of money, so coming at another time wouldn't have been a problem.  They claim that they want to do it that way so that my BIL can come meet his new nephew.  I'm sorry, but they're coming over a weekend--my BIL could come over any weekend, not just that one.  And he's not exactly been interested in P (I think he's seen P three or four times in four years and, other than right after P was born, it's only been when we've traveled to where he is--he's never acknowledged P's birthday with so much as a card or phone call), so what makes them think he really has any interest in K?  I have a strong suspicion that my BIL was not the instigator of this plan.

The behavior of my IL's after P was born is a big reason we didn't want them here soon after coming home with K.  I have frequently said that if I hadn't been nursing P, I would not have gotten to hold him the entire week that my IL's were here.  About the fourth night in, I was crying to J that I had barely gotten to hold my son all day and that I needed that time with him.  J, being a wonderful husband, took them out the next day for what was supposed to be a couple of hours so that I could have that time with P.  About 30 minutes after they left, I was sitting in our recliner, blissfully staring at P while he slept in my arms, when the door opened.  "I couldn't stand to be away from my baby any longer," said my MIL as she walked in and TOOK P OUT OF MY ARMS.  I went upstairs and cried.

You can probably see why both J and I are concerned.

J and I were talking last night about ground rules.  We decided that they will only be allowed to hold K for short periods of time, they will not be allowed to feed or change him, they will not be allowed to pick him up if he falls.  We will be there anytime they have K.  They're going to be upset but quite frankly, I couldn't care less.  And if they don't listen to the rules, they won't be holding him at all.

I hate this.  I hate that they made the plans and simply informed us of them, when the plans that they made are not the ones that we proposed.  This is not the first time they've done something like this.  There have been times when "We'd like to visit sometime in October or November" has turned into "These are the dates and times we'll be there," without any discussion of whether that works for us.  If it were my parents, I would have no hesitation in saying "That's too soon, that won't work for us."  Since it's J's parents, I don't feel like I can say that without them completely hating me (and why do I care about that, I wonder?)--but J screwed me by saying "Let me see if that works for Erin."  So it was all on me.  He didn't stand up and say, "No, that's too soon--give us a call when you know what April looks like for you."  He put it on me and I felt like I couldn't say anything.

In a related piece of news, I have an interview for one of the tenure-track positions at my college.  On March 21st.

Anyone care to predict whether I'm going to have a migraine that day?

Comments

[Dianne]

I'm sorry to see that with the good, stress comes. But, I think you have good solid plans with the ground rules.

Wishing you luck with sticking to the rules as well as the interview!

[electriclady]

Ugh. I wish for your sake that J could have just said to his parents, "No, I'm sorry, you can't come then." Is there any way that he could call them back and say that HE thinks it's too soon after all, and that "Erin is too nice to say so, but I think the week is going to be so stressful for her with the job interview that I'd like to give her a quiet weekend with just the four of us. But we'd love to see you two weeks after Easter."

No? Well, sounds like you've got good ground rules in place after all. I have even heard of adoptive parents saying that NO ONE is allowed to hold the new child except for Mom and Dad--so you could push that too. I hope the visit is as stress-free as possible!

[SaraS-P]

Arg! Sounds like Crack Lady behavior! I hope you manage to get through it.

[Dana]

I think your husband should call them back and say WE have both decided that it would be best to wait a while. It sounds like your MIL is a handful. It is OK to stand up for your child and what is best for your family. We have done that before here with my parents who are 'in your face' as well. So sorry you have to deal with all that so soon.

[Eva]

I'm so sorry. This reminds me of the time I was 8 months pregnant and my in-laws came to stay with us for a MONTH. Except for you and K the stakes are much higher. That really sucks. How inconsiderate. It really is sooo soon.

Good luck with your interview!

[ms. sleepingcat]

Hi Erin,

I don't know if it is possible, but I sort of have to agree with Dana that it would be great if you/J could call and say it won't work out. If money & time are no object, I think you don't need to feel bad about this. Clearly you want/need time to be forming your nuclear family dynamics without the added pressure of in-laws and grandparents. I know that it's not easy to just call and cancel, and I'm not sure I could do it myself with my in-laws. But if you can swing it, cancel! cancel! cancel!

[ms. sleepingcat]

I forgot to say GOOD LUCK with your interview... I know how important it is to land that tenure-track job & I really hope it goes well for you. We're still waiting to hear about my husband's tenure-track opportunity....

[hope548]

That sounds very frustrating. I'm sorry the way it worked out. It is hard to deal with the ILs, especially if your hubby won't back you up. Do what's right for your boys!

[jesspond]

First...because it's the easiest to talk about...GOOD LUCK with the tenure interview!! How exciting!!!

Ok, so...

I totally agree about setting rules. Blame it on the bonding (I mean, since it is that)...say that you "read" or "were told" to do this or that. Maybe that will take some of the blame off you in their eyes?

You're already being more than generous by allowing them to come...so I see no problem making them play by your rules.

It was a crappy thing they did (and then I'm sure J was just not thinking as men tend to do). If they whine about not being able to do this or that, tell them nicely that if they'd come (or if they want to come back) a few months later they could have more non-limited time with K...I mean really? WHat do they expect?

No, I know. Because people are always like that. People wonderd why I wanted them to wash their hands or not hold Ethan and considered not taking him to Christmas and passing him around THE SECOND WEEK HE WAS OUT during COLD AND FLU season but it was tough baloney. Their feelings aren't above my kids' wellbeing.

Sorry things are this complicated when they shouldn't be. :(

[DD]

It would be very easy for me to tell you to tell them to all piss off, but I don't have to remain in your family's good graces.

Instead all I can do is hope that the time with them goes quickly and smoothly and you can breath a sigh of relief when you close the door behind them for the last time for a while.

[Blondie]

Mmm. I have no assvice but I can just imagine this sort of thing going down in my family when the time comes for us. So I empathise with you totally.

Hoping it all goes well - including the interview.