PCOS Baby

Working it out

We are working it all out.  It's not easy--the other day we had to have the discussion that if J wasn't going to have a job in the fall, there was no reason to put K into daycare (P will be starting kindergarten).  Financially we couldn't afford it and realistically, it would be stupid to have him in daycare if his very-capable father was going to be home full-time. 

I think that spurred J on to do something.  If I thought I wasn't prepared to be a SAHM when I went through the decision a few years ago, J is certainly not prepared to be a SAHD.  It has nothing to do with his ability to interact and enjoy K.  It has to do with the ability to do so and not lose himself in the process.  Like I said before, the vast majority of his social life comes from work.  If he's home all the time with K, he won't have any of that interaction.  He needs that interaction.  K needs the interaction with other kids, which I don't think he would often get if he was home with J full time.  In short, it wouldn't be a good situation for either of them.

In the last two days, J's come up with several ways to bring in at least enough money to make up the gaps of where my income falls short.  Not having P in daycare this year will help tremendously, as he was at the private school with exorbitant costs until May.  So the gaps aren't as large as they could have been.  They won't be full-time work; he thinks they're things he could do with 20 hours a week, which would leave time to look for a regular job and/or do some volunteer work that he'd like to do.

I'm hopeful for him.  He grew up in a home where his mom stayed home until he was a teen and his dad worked.  It gave him a sense that the man is supposed to be the one providing for the family.  It's not a source of contention for me to make more than he does since I've made more about half of our marriage and we've never even discussed it.  It's just something that he believes inside, regardless of anything else.  Plus, he prefers to have a focus.  Who doesn't?

Our daycare is short of kids right now also, probably because many kids have a parent out of work who is home with them.  I'm going to go talk to them next week and find out what's the latest that I can get the kids signed up (K for full-time, P for aftercare).  I suspect that they'll be fine with as late as we need.  J is going to spend the next month working out one of his ideas and seeing how it goes.  I go back to work a month from tomorrow, and P starts kindergarten the same day.  August 10th seems really close right now, but somehow it seems more hopeful than it did a week ago.

Sometimes you just need to write

We had a great trip to Costa Rica and I will share more about that soon, but I just need a safe place to write now.  J has been out of work since early March.  He closed his law firm after about 4 months of slowly shutting down, not taking new clients, etc.  It was deliberate.  We were both OK with it.  He planned to take a break for a bit and then get a new job pretty soon, figuring that it wouldn't be too tough as a lawyer with 6 years of experience and as a small-business owner.

The job situation in Atlanta isn't any better than it is anywhere else in the country.  The job situation for lawyers in Atlanta doesn't seem to be any better than the job situation for any other job in Atlanta.  It's now been almost 4 months and J has had a grand total of 4 interviews.  The first three were all in March and early April, then he didn't have another until last week.  He clearly didn't get the first three jobs.  We're still waiting to hear about the fourth.

J is not handling unemployment well.  At first when it was by choice, he was fine with it.  He was relaxed more than I've seen him in years.  He had time to spend with the family and took advantage of it, eating both breakfast and dinner with us all and doing a lot with the kids.  He started swimming pretty intensely to get the exercise that he hasn't had time to get in several years.  Our relationship got better because we weren't fighting* and we got to spend some wonderful time together.

It started becoming a problem in early May, when he realized that it had been two months since he closed the firm, one month since his last interview, and was only a few weeks before both kids and I were also home full time over the summer.  He wasn't joking in early May when he said "So I have about 18 days to find a job, huh?"  Being home with the kids full-time can be daunting but I have three years of past experience at this point of being home over the summer.  J had only the thoughts I went through at the same time a couple of years ago.  It took me a while to get through those doubts and worries to the point where I could really enjoy it.  Why I expected that it would be different for him, I'm not sure.  My own fault, really.

But back to my point.  J started getting stressed out that he's not working.  He started getting depressed about it, though he won't admit it often**.  Most of J's social life came from work friends.  He doesn't do much that would help him make friends.  He doesn't go to church--he went through a kind of spiritual questioning a few years ago and hasn't really found a church home since then.  He doesn't play sports.  He doesn't seem interested in doing much with my friends' husbands and vice versa***.  So he's not really doing anything with other people; when he's out of the house, he's by himself.  And when he's home, having all of us around seems to remind him that he's not working.  His best friends live very far away, though even if they lived here, I can't imagine him talking about how he feels about any of this.  It's a horrible recipe for depression.

He's been taking it out on us by sniping at us.  Mostly on me, but sometimes on the kids.  I will put off making plans with friends in the thought that maybe he'd like to do something as a family, then he snipes at me for trying to involve him when he has work to do (he does have some things that he's finishing, and he is looking for a job).  Other times when I've made plans for the kids and I without informing him, he snipes that he was planning to take the kids to the pool.  His initial reaction has been negative and/or insulting to almost everything, whether it's a question about what he'd like to do for the day or telling him what's for dinner.

It doesn't help that our financial situation isn't as good as I thought it was before we took all of our trips.  J doesn't like to talk about work things at home--since many of them are confidential things he can't discuss, he's just gotten out of the habit of talking about much work-related material at all.  He also doesn't like to worry me.  I've asked him repeatedly to give me information as he learns it rather than waiting until he absolutely has to tell me, but he persists in waiting to discuss things.  I think he doesn't like to discuss bad business news because it makes him feel like a failure.  So when he laid the news on me after our trip to Disney and after I'd booked our trip to Costa Rica, I kind of lost it.  We spent a LOT of money between those two trips.  Had I known the full extent of things...well, let's just say that we don't have the financial freedom that I thought we had.  We've been sniping at each other about that.  I went off on J for eating lunch out 5 times in a week.  He got upset with me for buying little presents for the kids for the time that we were gone. 

We had a LONG discussion about it the night before my ILs came.  I'd been trying to be patient and understanding about his attitude, knowing full well that he was depressed about the job situation and that was the reason for it...but I was done with that.  I told him that I was tired of being picked on, that we don't deserve to be treated that way.  He said that he's just upset all the time and can't always pretend to be happy but would try harder.  I told him that wasn't OK with me, that I don't want him pretending, that I want him to go talk to someone and do what he needs so that he can be enjoyable to be around and can enjoy us again.  I said I understand that he's upset about his job but that he needs to find a way to allow himself to be happy with other things also. 

I hate to think of him spending all day unhappy.  It breaks my heart.

We didn't really resolve things that night, though it helped tremendously to talk together.  He didn't seem against the idea of going to a counselor but also didn't seem enthusiastic about it.  We had a great trip to Costa Rica together--it was truly the second honeymoon that I envisioned.  He's been mostly OK since we got back but I know very well that he's just trying harder to hide how he's feeling. 

I just don't know what to do about it.

*I'm not trying to blame all of our fighting on J's work but there was a lot of stress associated with his job.

**He will admit it from time to time, so he's not fully in denial about it. 

***Which I regret since I'd always envisioned being able to do things with other couples on the rare night that we go on dates.  When we do things with the families of my friends, he always seems to manage to say the wrong thing.  I'm amazed at how he's one way with our family and can be a complete jerk when we're with others.  Frankly, I wouldn't like him much then either.

Our 10th anniversary went by without a word

On my blog, that is.  In real life...um, we didn't do anything except exchange cards.  BUT that all changes tonight when we leave for Costa Rica for a few days!!!  We haven't left P since he was about 2 1/2, and then it was just overnight at a hotel while my parents watched him; we've never left K at all.  I'm nervous and scared about how he'll react to us leaving and not being here tomorrow morning.  Or the next morning, or the one after that, or the one after that.  Will it bring back feelings of abandonment, or will being in his own house with his brother and grandparents (my ILs have been here since Friday, so he's well used to them) help keep that at bay?  We're planning to call but I'm still nervous.  Hell, there have only been 2 nights that I didn't put him to bed since he's been home!

Despite my nerves, I am about to go pack.  And we'll have a wonderful time while we're there, even with a forecast for 70s and thunderstorms.  We're staying at a 5-star boutique hotel, which we've NEVER done in our lives, and are treating ourselves royally.  We don't speak Spanish and only have a little phrasebook.  We cannot wait.

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This visit with my ILs has been quite good.  Perhaps it's my gratitude that they're staying with the kids that makes it easier for things to roll off my back, perhaps things haven't been said the way they normally are, or perhaps it's that they're spending so much time with the kids that I've had a lot of time to myself.  Whatever.  It's been a really nice visit so far and helps me feel better about leaving the boys with them.

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J has a job interview this afternoon before we leave.  He hasn't had one in almost 2 months, so if you could think some good thoughts for him, we would both appreciate it.  He's not handling unemployment too well* and getting this job would be a big boost to him.

*I'll write more about that when we get home and my ILs aren't likely to pop in at any time.

As I sit here at the computer

With P doing a puzzle behind me and K grinning at me from underneath the table, I am thinking:

"I should really go upstairs and put on more than just this T-shirt and jeans."

Because I threw on the T-shirt and jeans...and ONLY the T-shirt and jeans...when the squirrel-removing people showed up 45 minutes early and I was still in my nightclothes.  Cute nightclothes.  Nightclothes that I couldn't exactly wear to open the door for fear of being arrested.

Oh, the week is off to a brilliant start.

Father's Day is next week

J and I got married on Father's Day in 1999, so Father's Day holds a special meaning for me.  I will always remember my dad on Father's Day 1999: fixing his tie in the hallway of my parents' house before we went to the ceremony, seeing his expression of me in my wedding dress.  I went to the ceremony in the limo with my bridesmaids, but my aunt told me that my dad spent the entire drive to the ceremony crying.  My dad doesn't cry but I have pictures of him tearing up at the ceremony.  I danced with my dad to "Unforgettable" on Father's Day 1999, though during the dance I told him that I'd hoped to be able to have "Unforgettable" morph into "Go go, Godzilla" or "Meet the Mets".  It made him laugh.

Father's Day 2004 was our 5th anniversary, and J's first year of celebrating Father's Day with 6-month-old P.  I believe I gave J a bonsai tree for our anniversary (that he promptly killed) but have no idea what I got him for Father's Day.  I am a terrible gift-giver.  No matter how well I know the person, I cannot figure out what to get them.  So I was thrilled when I received a link for Mom Central's Father's Day Gift Guide!  They have gifts listed by price, from under $25 to over $100, and there are a huge range of gifts in each price range.  I was really happy to find lots of gifts over there that I could afford to get for J and that I think he would like :-)

PLUS!!!  They're having a giveaway each day for a whole list of Father's Day presents.  Today, on Sunday, they're giving away 5 gifts, and they'll post more each day.

Our 10th anniversary is next Saturday, the day before Father's Day.  We're going on a trip to Costa Rica for our anniversary (not leaving until the next Tuesday) but until today, I had no idea what to get J for Father's Day.  There was extra pressure because J's father will be here for Father's Day (my ILs are coming to watch the kids while we're gone) and so we need to figure out what to get for him that he can easily transport home in his suitcase.  Having taken a look at the gift guide, though, I can already see several possibilities that we could get.

I feel very relieved that I'll be able to find gifts for J, my dad, and his dad pretty easily this year!  One less thing to worry about on top of my ILs being here, watching the kids, and leaving the kids for several days for the first time ever*.

*We've left P overnight several times with our parents, but never more than one night, and we've never left K before.  I hope it goes well!

Some days

On some days, there is just too much testosterone around my house.  A husband, two sons, two male dogs.

I was never a girly-girl but sometimes, I get a little overwhelmed.

'Nuff said.

Houston, we have a plan

We met with our RE, Dr. Wonderful, on Tuesday afternoon.  To make a nice circle, we had just completed K's readoption that morning--it was like we had completed the legal addition of our second child just in time to go talk about trying to have a third.  The appointment came up so quickly that we didn't have time to find a babysitter, so we had to bring K with us.  I got us checked in and since no one else was in the waiting room, we brought K in.  Otherwise, J was going to play with him downstairs and I would call his cell phone when it was time to go in to see Dr. Wonderful.  They brought us back so quickly that I didn't even have time to finish updating our insurance information!

We talked to him about our family, how wonderfully the boys are doing, how our adoption went.  He was thrilled to meet K and hear about our experience.  I told him about how things had been since we were last there in October 2006 (it didn't seem possible that it could have been that long ago, but it was), including my miscarriage last year and the chemical pregnancy last cycle.  I also mentioned that I've been ovulating earlier on Metformin than ever before in my life--around d20, when it used to be around d28-30.  Then we set up a plan.

Based on our history and since it has been so long since we were there, he'd like us to do one Clomid/IUI cycle before moving on to IVF.  He doesn't think it will do a whole lot in terms of pregnancy but it will give us a chance to see if I'm still responding the same way to Clomid, see how my hormone levels are looking, and do both a saline sonohystogram and a semen analysis all in the course of the cycle.  Since we need to do those before doing IVF, this will at least keep the "testing" cycle from being completely wasted.  And he did point out that if we get lucky, we've saved many thousands of dollars.

He still doesn't feel like an injectables + IUI cycle is worth doing for me.  As he said, we'd have to keep the hormone doses very low because of my PCOS and it comes with more risks than a Clomid cycle and a much bigger cost.  Plus, we still aren't sure that I don't have problems with my right uterine tube and it might be useless.  He would rather get the information we need from the Clomid cycle and then, if it doesn't work, start BCP for the IVF as soon as I get my period.  We talked about how to keep the doses low to avoid OHSS, about the risks and benefits of an elective single embryo transfer (benefits are huge but the success rate drops from about 65% to 40% at their clinic--regardless, all three of us would still prefer to do that), and about a timeline.

I hadn't realized how concerned J was about the miscarriage and chemical pregnancy until the appointment.  He brought it up twice in the context of being concerned about losing another pregnancy.  Dr. Wonderful thinks that I probably have some endometriosis, which we've considered as a possibility in the past, and that's what's causing the losses.  He doesn't think I need to have laproscopic surgery since it doesn't cause immobilizing pain, and that IVF will help solve that problem.  We've agreed to consider progesterone in the post-ovulatory stage of the Clomid/IUI cycle, just in case.

J and I had talked more about it after I made the appointment but before we went in.  He wants to wait until he has a job before we do IVF.  We can afford it now and still be OK financially but it's better not to take a chance with the one of us who has a job.  And he'd rather wait to make sure we can afford FETs in case the first IVF doesn't work and we have frozen embryos.  It was hard to accept that, since I thought we had a timeline in place, but he's right and so we'll wait until he has a job.  We mentioned this to Dr. Wonderful and he said he wasn't concerned.  I'm still young and we're looking at starting IVF immediately after doing a single Clomid/IUI cycle, so it's not like we'll have a long wait once we decide to begin.

I feel good about the plan.  It seems reasonable to me to keep our costs low and get the tests done during the Clomid/IUI cycle, and then start IVF with eSET afterwards.  I would like to start sooner but with the job market so lousy, it also makes sense to wait until J gets a job.  So we'll wait but there is a plan in place.

Um

Yesterday, J and I discussed doing IVF this summer.  I said that I would call today and make an appointment with our RE to figure out the plan.  I mentioned that we probably wouldn't be able to get an appointment for a couple of weeks.

I thought about it once or twice yesterday, but that was it.

This morning, I forgot about it until I logged onto Bloglines and saw a mention of IVF.  My hands started to shake.  I called my clinic before I could think about it too much.  My hands shook some more.  I chatted with the scheduler and she said "I know this is really soon, but he had a cancellation.  Can you come in tomorrow at 3 p.m.?"

"Sure, that would be great," I said.

Now my entire body is shaking, and I'm not sure if I'm excited or terrified.

Is it really sick

to get a little thrill out of the "Don't be ridiculous" look that J gave me when I said I was glad that I didn't get a milkshake at lunch today because my butt didn't need it?

Tell me honestly, because my heart went pitty-pat.

Hope you all had a nice Mother's Day

Because mine sucked, for various reasons (in no particular order):

1. Finding out that my favorite aunt has cancer.

2. Recovering from Saturday's migraine, which always leaves me feeling fuzzy-headed.

3. J being gone for 5 days and not getting home until last night (read as: the 5th day in a row that I was home alone with both kids).

4. Having a HUGE fight with J after the kids went to bed.

5. Finals' week.

I have to say that Friday was a much better Mother's Day.  P's class had muffins and juice for moms as they came to drop off the kids, and both kids brought home the Mother's Day gifts they made in school, which were adorable.  I am a sucker for little picture frames with their names on them and paper flowers.  Can't help it.  So I'm choosing Friday as my Mother's Day, and forgetting that yesterday ever happened.